Well dear world, or rather dear three followers, it has been two years of more personal challenges and intoxicating metamorphosis since I last posted on May 5th 2009. Everything is a reflection worth reflecting upon. Cinco De Mayo is a celebration of independence and a defeat of French troops two times the size of the Mexican troops they attacked. This was a defeat so phenomenal that a day of merry making is indulged in as a remembrance still, nearly 150 years later. I guess I will be adding my own personal defeat against the unruly factions of my mind to the meaning of May 5th for me.
The darkly surreptitious caverns in my soul which over and over again denied my access as I begged, flashlight in hand while meditating faithfully, just never lit up before excruciating challenge entered my reality. I had to give up everything in order to find all I ever wanted. It’s not like I’ve got it all but something imperative has shifted in my core to reveal sparkling inner jewels. I pleaded with the angels for time to "Follow my Bliss" and to be given the energy to stay up nights typing away and give at least 10 free healing sessions a week. “Am I asking so much?”, I would yell up to heaven, “All I have ever wanted to do is make a positive difference and you can’t even arrange for me to get some bloody sleep???!” I never really found the time to nurture the soul starved artist in me or even play much with my wildly inspiring daughters but I did find my sacred heart. Living daily with such monumental denial of personal needs took me screaming through every last shadowy recess in my being. I discovered myself completely and then....... grew able to love all I had unearthed. I was able to forgive myself and others on almost every level in my little human perception and even go deeper and deeper and deeper. I was a courageous explorer who has yelled and sworn around her children, prayed her ex would drop out of existence, experienced powerful envy of all the women who get to focus on just being momma's and even entertained the notion of ax murdering my ancient cat for premeditated peeing on my electric burner. I was rejected a second time by a salty old romance I had held so dearly in my dreams. I found myself with a poor body image, greying hair and way to many wrinkles that I didn't believe I should have cared about it. I knew better than that. I had talked to enough dead people to realize that we're on this blue and green ball for a short trip and attachment to our forms is a loss of the purest wisdom. I even forgave myself for getting my hair foiled and wearing make-up. Me, the tree hugging flower child, supporting chemicals on my skin and on my planet!! What I hope will be the most inspiring aspect of this journey is the love I feel for myself. I love the woman in me that could feel the fiery joy and shameful pain of an affair and still forgive myself just as much as I love the woman in me that could stay awake with a gentle grace at the beside of a dying woman for days. I love the woman in me who is free enough to grow and change everyday. I love myself without judgment and my soul is sipping on the sweet nectar of that limitlessness day and night.
Perhaps the real story is found somewhere between that hopeful eighteen year old girl wandering and whirling with her worn copy of The Power of Myth through the woods and the woman, mother, healer, "author", writing this now. Yet, the best story is what lies beyond, in my brand new life of independence. The unexpected constant strengthening of my inner smile is the gift of the demons. You see, by facing them and integrating them they fade to nothing in no time at all. Yes, I do believe my elation compares to that of our Mexican brothers that fateful morning in 1862 and if that is narcissistic..... well...... isn't that what makes a great blog....... naked narcissism? Happy Cinco De Mayo!!